He took it off his ipod you know

Too little, too late though.

Who needs doctors?

I entered my symptoms into Web MD and I either have colon cancer or seasonal allergies.

Will never go back!

One way to prevent prison overcrowding

Make people who commit serious crimes attend a play.

Incredible deterrent factor!

Joe Namath

Born on today's date, Joe Namath.

"We are going to win Sunday. I guarantee it."

This Bachelorette thing

I think I would feel pretty silly baring my soul to the Bachelorette about the heart-breaking death of my wife when one of the other guys vying for her attention is you know like..........wearing a mask.

Kinda makes you rethink this whole "contestant" thing.

Back to "accidentally" banging other people's grocery carts at Giant Eagle I guess.

I feel most alive when tailgating another car

Keeps you alert!

Just helping them out, you know!

MBA programs are such a scam!

Walk around the office with a pen. Wherever you go. Never let it go.

Walk purposefully.

Point every now and then.

Stand with your hands on your hands on your hips and look around.

Have a folder of generic graph charts at the ready.

Say things like "Our mission is to continue to efficiently facilitate diverse methods of empowerment and professionally disseminate performance based deliverables to meet customer's needs"

I've seen it work in the mailroom!

Jake "The Snake" Roberts

Born on today's date, Jake "The Snake" Roberts.

"Miserable is a good thing. If you start the day miserable, nobody else can screw up your day."

One guy's nervous Memorial Day thoughts

"I betcha everybody forgot about those draft deferments.

Home free, I'm thinkin'"

What's with this Kevin Harvick guy?

Wins the race.

Climbs out of his car and talks to the tv guy.

Says he hates this place and the track.

Then turns around and reads off a list of sponsors from the stickers on his car.

Then says he hates the place and the track.

So much personality!

Isn't their another driver waiting to fight him or something.

I thought this was NASCAR?!

I asked American Express if they would waive the late fee....

....and they said no because this is like the fourth time.

Ok, so now I know they write stuff down.

This "You can't respond to others who comment on your posts" thing on Blogger today....

....is simply the greatest thing since sliced bread!

What did we ever do without it?

Noel Gallagher

Born on today's date, Noel Gallagher.

"This is rock 'n' roll, not a charity handout. I don't care who you are, why you're here, what you expect. If you buy the buy the ticket, then you're going to get the show we put on. And if you don't like it, you know what you can do."

Watching a rerun of The Bachelorette

First off, I didn't know ABC did reruns for this (or any) show in primetime but anyway....

One guy walks up to Ashley (The Bachelorette!) and tells her he is there because the dating scene in his hometown, New York City, is "stale".

Not Bismark, North Dakota or Ames, Iowa! No, New York City!

?!?!?

There are 19 million people in the Metropolitan New York City area!!!

It's all stale! A "dead zone"!

How'd that happen?

How do wedding planners survive there anyway?

Another guy is walking around with a Zorro mask because he wants Ashley to judge "him" and not his looks. They even showed him wearing it on the toilet. He can't understand why the other guys don't seem to like him.

Not too proud to say I am going to be watching this.

Free country and all.

When someone doesn't like me....

....it's really because I don't like them (first).

It's not my personality or anything.

Do you wonder why your dog loves you so much?

Ever heard of the Stockholm Syndrome?

My neighbor has these massive solar panels on his roof

When do we start rationing the sun?

There is only one sun, you know!

Gluttons!

One good thing about having a job....

....is telling certain people you can't do stuff with them......because you know you have a job.

If they got one, they could do this too.

Why didn't they fill the Hindenberg with water instead of hydrogen?

What were they thinking?!

Non-flammable stuff, people!

ELO's Don't Bring Me Down?

It does.

It's not The Smiths'  "How Soon is Now?" but that is a "Please get help immediately" kind of song.

But it does.*

*The "Grrouss/Bruce" doesn't save it either.

You know how people in infomercials seem really freaked out and impressed by everyday tasks?

What if they had to do like algebra?

Or a crossword puzzle?

Or college registration?

Or...

Lou Gossett Jr.

Born on tomorrow's* date, Lou Gossett Jr.

Mayo (Richard Gere): I never would have made it without you.
Foley (Lou Gossett Jr.): I know.
Mayo: I'll never forget you.
Foley: Get the hell out of here.

*I might not be at a computer tomorrow.

Nothing says "I am sorry"....

....like a text message.

You know, technology is one of the greatest things to ever come along!

Not a single facebook friend with a birthday today!

And I got out of bed for this?!

Lenny Kravitz

Born on today's date, Lenny Kravitz.

"People don't listen to the lyrics, really."

Hey there old timer!

Whatcha doin' in October?

You see, there is like this deity guy called "The Great Pumpkin" and....

Also Sally had a crisis of faith and said "so long" so.....

Metal sure is "balder" than it used to be

Hair just isn't at a premium anymore.

So why bother?

I like people who aren't better than me

Why play defense all the time?

"There's somebody out there for everyone"

Really think so?

What about the crazy cat lady?

She NEVER finds a crazy cat man.

Just speakin' facts.

Anne Heche

Born on today's date, Anne Heche.

"Just because I am getting married does not mean I call myself a straight. I don't belong to the straights now. They didn't get me back."

"God never gives us more than we can handle"

Only spoken by people who don't have anything going on!

I don't know people like this!

Well I do but.........well let's not go there.

Bob Dylan

Born on today's date, Bob Dylan.

"I define nothing. Not beauty. Not patriotism. I take each thing as it is, without prior rules about what it should be."

If your lawyer has a ponytail or wears cowboy boots....

....you are SO going to jail.

He's not gonna do the time for you, you know!

Start making better decisions!

I don't care if your mom likes him!

I probably shouldn't have revealed my true feelings to people before the "end of the world/rapture"

Can you say awkward?

That Harold Camping guy kinda sucks.

You can't rely on people!

The grocery store toy aisle

Have you ever seen that garbage?!

Kids don't even congregate there! They wait with their parents in the pharmacy.

They only sell stuff late on Christmas Eve.

Know your limits

And how high your trailer is!

Knowledge is power.

Ken Jennings

Born on today's date, Ken Jennings.

"Being a nerd really pays off sometimes."

Pickpockets know....

....that those guys with the wallet chains have A LOT less money and credit cards in there than people who are not "chained".

So it's no great loss to them.

I am really curious about my new neighbors....

....but not enough to go on over and introduce myself.

I will just judge them on my discreet observations.......and gossip of course.

I always liked my great aunt!

UNTIL I GOT FIRED FROM MY JOB FOR ATTENDING HER FUNERAL!

Might sue her sons.*

*My attorney says we can tell them their insurance should handle it and they shouldn't worry about it.

Apolo Ohno

Born on today's date, Apolo Ohno.

"Nothing happens until something moves."

Use extreme caution when doing a google picture search for "macho man"

Some people are like really really depraved.

Can't "unsee" stuff, you know.