Hey facebook!

If I have 115 friends in common with this person and we are still not "friends", I already know them.

And don't like 'em!

Stop asking!

(They are thinking the same thing too)

We went on a cruise and had our picture taken with a stereotype!

My dad says he doesn't dress like that all the time though.

Said it was also probably a cap gun too.

It never occurred to that guy who named his daughter "Trampoline"....

...that everybody would call her "Tramp"?!

The lady working in the County Clerk's office just issued a birth certificate and didn't think to alert Social Services?!

I thought it took a village!

Angus Young

Born on today's date, Angus Young.

"I am sick to death of people saying we've made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we've made 12 albums that sound exactly the same."

My kids would starve first!

I can see them trying Fruit Brute though.

A co-worker pulls up next to me at the urinal....

...and then APPARENTLY asks me a question WHILE HE FLUSHES!

He then looked at me apparently waiting for an answer.

Maybe I should bring a stun gun to work from now on.

Was getting pretty excited about the Royal Wedding.....

....when I remembered, "Hey, we overthrew these people!"

Not watching.

If you are looking for me....

....don't look any place where I have found hair in my food.

Or fingerprints on the inside of my glass.

Won't be there.

Discriminating consumer, you know.

Don't suffer fools!

But fools? Yeah suffer!

I mean they put us a through a lot, you know!

Diary of Wimpy

3-28-11: "Hamburgers for breakfast,lunch and dinner!"

Well actually it is a pretty boring diary as this is the exact same entry for every day dating back to 11-18-10 when a waitress tried to slip him a veggie-burger. No way could his delicate palate handle that.

Can't print the diary entry for that day though.

It's that bus to Atlantic City

"Load 'em all in here!

No smoking on board either!

Save it for the casinos.

They got plenty of ashtrays there!"

Seemed to be a good place for a picnic....

....and then he came around.

That triathlon was like 30 days ago!

Atlantis is probably my favorite place that doesn't exist

That or New Zealand.

A cobra escaped from the Bronx Zoo?

Man, if you think people hover now!

Reba McEntire

Born on today's date, Reba McEntire.

"Finding a good bus driver can be as important as finding a good musician."

I don't buy this stuff!

Won't live a lie.

If you can't play an instrument or read music....

....that's kinda like Jazz right?

Shaun Cassidy

Born on today's date, Shaun Cassidy.

"Being single was fun for a while but there was always the risk of dating someone who'd owned a lunch box with my picture on it."

Your band hasn't taken off yet?

Here's a tip.

A "tragic death" is usually a catalyst for bands.

Got a guy who snorts and ingests just about everything?

Just be patient!

Good thing Spring is here!

I can finally siphon gas from my neighbors' cars at night in comfort.*

Don't say you wouldn't if you knew how!

*I was SO bummed when my neighbor bought one of those "ethanol" models.

Just let it go!

So apparently two workers at the Japanese nuclear power plants were burned when they (gulp)......WADED INTO A POOL OF WATER TEN THOUSAND TIMES A SAFE LEVEL!

What the?!

Hey radiation workers!

I know you like your lucky pens; but if you drop one in that pool, just let it go!

At the very least, they should have some of those "claws" hanging around that pool somewhere.

Where's the Union?

Derrick Rose and some other guys....

....are going to donate $1000 per point scored tonight for Japan Relief.

Anybody that guards them is an a-hole!

They apologized so....

Called off the fatwa too.

The ecstasy....

the agony....

and the fall.

Love life in the city!

Michael Stanley

Born on today's date, Michael Stanley.

I have never been "down with" the spelling of "Michael" but that is just me.

Harry Houdini would have been 137 today....

....if he lived.

But he somehow got a ruptured appendix in Detroit in 1926 and died.

Counting stopped at 52............or else he would be 137.

(You can do it with a calculator. He was born in 1874.)

Google would be worthless to my mom

"Who is that one guy?

You know with the hat!

The guy with that hat! Dont'cha know?

You know who I am talking about!"


"It's the store with the white door! That place!"

What is this "Elizabeth Taylor's death is the end of an era" stuff?

Hello! There are people out there older than 79, you know!

What about them?!

Respect your elders!

Nick Lowe

Born on today's date, Nick Lowe.

"When you're young, it's hard to sing the blues. Nobody believes you."

I wonder how long Elizabeth Taylor searches in Heaven for Michael Jackson....

....before she realizes he isn't there.

Thoughts get jumbled in the city, you know

It's worth the squint.

What if Gaddafi tickled you?

Would you still laugh?

No?

What about Chris Brown?*

Still no?

Tough crowd!

*Well after he got the glass out of his hand, of course.

Jayson Blair

Born on today's date, Jayson Blair.

"If they are all so brilliant and I am such an affirmative-action hire, how come they didn't catch me?"

I've eaten vegan all day....

....you know if anybody's looking for any serious life advice or anything.

Different approaches for those who can't afford a home security system

How hard can it be to beat Gaddafi?

After all these years, he is still only a colonel!

The same military status as Harlan Sanders who only commanded these guys!

Let's not overestimate this guy!

Glen Campbell

Born on today's date, Glen Campbell.

"I like to start the day early. It keeps me out of trouble."

Six more inches of snow forecasted?!

Huh?

Hey "Weather Decider Person", God, Deity, whatever!

It's like March 22nd!

We have already had "spring forward" and daylight savings time. The farmers are out working that extra hour and everything!

My little leaguer has been hitting balls at the park.

The lawn service has already been out!

Haven't you been watching!

Pay attention!

Ever notice that since that "beef lawsuit"....

....that Taco Bell tastes better?

Not a coincidence!

My youngest boy would never go and now he will!

Hooray!

Still think our society is too litigious?

Saw that Battle of Los Angeles movie over the weekend

Man, we got a lot of ammunition in this country!

LIKE A LOT!

Where do they store all of it?

I am definitely going to check my 401K to to see if I have any ammo companies in there.

I mean what is the profit margin on a piece of ammo? Multiple that by.......I don't know.......a trillion. I may need to make some changes in my portfolio. It would be silly to not take advantage.

The aliens had just as much too!